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What does a healthy relationship feel like in the beginning?
Main Post: What does a healthy relationship feel like in the beginning?
Top Comment: I would say it’s a little boring. Like there is not a lot of drama and good communication
Dating timeline and what I consider “healthy”
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If anyone is curious about what my ideal/healthy dating timeline looks like for a committed relationship (with example dates):
Month 1 (1/11/25 - 2/11/25)
- 1st date = short and sweet
- 2nd date = a little longer, first kiss
- dates: 1/week, 4 total
- sleepovers: 1-2 times
- communication: 2-3 texts/day
- By the end of month 1, become exclusive (not yet official): if unable to become exclusive, I would move on
Month 2 (2/11/25 - 3/11/25)
- dates + hangouts: 1-2/week, 4-8 total
- sleepovers: 2-3 total
- communication: 5-6 texts/day, 1-2 phone calls/week
- intimacy
- meet friends
Month 3 (3/11/25 - 4/11/25)
- become official
- dates + hangouts: 2-3/week, 8-12 total
- sleepovers: 3-4 total
- communication: 5-10 texts/day, 2-3 phone calls/week
- take a day trip together
Month 4 (4/11/25 - 5/11/25)
- continuing frequency of dates, sleepovers, and communication as Month 3
- exchange ILY
- meet family
Months 5-12 (5/11/25 - 1/11/26)
- seeing each others friends and families frequently (depending on distance)
- take a longer trip together (2-3 days)
- first argument(s): ensure you can disagree and solve problems healthily (do not continue if you notice a pattern of unhealthy or abusive behaviors)
Year 1 (1/11/26 - 1/11/27)
- celebrate 1 year together
- move in together
- continue to date and work on not becoming “roommates”
- learn to communicate more effectively with each other: should be coming closer, not apart
- ensure you can make it through all 4 seasons under the same roof with little hardships
Year 2 (1/11/27 - 1/11/28)
- celebrate 2 years together
- engagement
Year 3 (1/11/28 - 1/11/29)
- celebrate 3 years together
- marriage
- upgrade living situation (from apartment to family size home)
Year 4-10 (1/11/29 - 1/11/35)
- children
Timelines are different for everyone, and this is just what I consider a healthy pace. If you have any questions or want advice, let me know! I’d love to help
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Is self-change necessary to have a healthy relationship? : dating_advice
Main Post: Is self-change necessary to have a healthy relationship? : dating_advice
A healthy relationship, a healthy breakup, and now a healthy recovery
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TLDR: I offer hope. A healthy relationship allows respect and love, but acknowledges if there are things that cannot be worked out with a happy ending for both parties (monogamous relationship). Mutual respect and care is why mine ended, and it's the healthiest relationship and break up I've been through. It's almost...easy. No trauma, less tears, significantly less pain. This should be the standard. Be choosy about mates for this reason. If you are in something where you're treated badly, or not getting what you need, stand up for you. If they do not respond with change, move on. You're worth it and you deserve better too. [I do not give permission for this to be used.]
It was the best, most wonderful and incredible relationships I've ever been in. We took it slow in the beginning, unsure and tentative due to our pasts. It took us four months to even be exclusive. I never questioned that he cared for me, as my needs were always met, and same for him. We had both been abused, had patterns of finding those who would harm us...or not fulfill us, and this was proof that we've broken those cycles. I know I've changed. I've grown. I'm a better me, for whomever I meet going forward. I believe the same is true for him.
We matched on all the levels of love languages, physical contact, sexual energy/drive/need/fulfillment, intelligence, and challenging each other in ways that made us both better...without anger or yelling or guilt tripping. We helped each other grow and heal from our pasts. We didn't judge our differences, but acknowledged them and were always reviewing if that made our current goal no longer possible, and grew from the exposure to other ideas and insights. We had talks every couple months to check in if we were on the same page, or if we needed to work on something, or if there just wasn't a good moment to discuss something before then. We showed each other new things like dancing, new music, new ideals. We got to enjoy some covid nesting, and caring for each other's social needs also. The one thing we didn't have in common was an end goal. We knew that from the getgo and we wanted to see if there could be any middle ground. After 9 months, and thankfully, never saying "I love you" (out of respect and making sure we were not rushing it), as that is even a harder bond to break, we found that there was no middle ground there, and we broke up.
I didn't feel like my heart was ripped out. I didn't feel like I was dying and didn't know how I would survive today...or tomorrow. I didn't feel wounded, or like I was having to repair from a trauma after it was over. We cried. We held each other. We talked and wrapped up loose ends and had one more open discussion moment. Then we let each other go. He was strong when I was feeling weaker. I wanted him to stay over one more time...not even for sex, but just to experience holding him one more night. He said it wasn't a good idea, and he was probably right. He checked on me the next morning, making sure I'd eaten, and been drinking water and see how I was feeling. I checked in with him that evening, about his day and how he was. It's real love, maybe another reason it was never spoken, because we never questioned its existence between us. And because of him, I believe in it again, and real romance. I believe I'm worth it, and he is the standard in which I will expect to be treated going forward. Same for him. We disagreed on things, and only fought once, but there was always mutual respect and thoughtfulness in having those discussions.
But just like the advice I've given to countless redditors here...sometimes a relationship structure is just for a time. We both needed that healing. We needed to see that we could put forth as much effort and care about someone that would return the same to us...and not less. That someone could be kind without alternative reasoning. And that we were worthwhile people that someone else could invest in. I'm beyond grateful. To have experienced this very real thing, indeed proves it is better to have loved and lost, than never loved at all. And I say that after believing for many years, that I'd have preferred to never love.
This breakup has been...easy. It still royally sucks. I miss him, and I know he misses me. Getting used to the days without him, and our contact patterns (at least once daily) are slowly evolving to new patterns. I cried a tiny bit the next day, but again, I'm sad yet my whole self doesn't ache. I don't feel like I'm missing something...but that I gained something wonderful and I just have to wait a bit before it can come back into my existence more fully as (non-romantic) friends.
Hang in there friends. Real things can happen, and even if you have to let them go, you've now seen that something better, something you actually deserve, is out there. Don't settle on important things. Don't change the entirety of who you are because you want something to work. Don't lose yourself in someone else. Be you the whole time, while evolving things that make you a better person, and you won't feel like you've lost yourself at the end. Don't let anyone treat you less than amazing. And don't treat anyone else less than amazing. Be realistic about approaches on that.
You're absolutely worth finding someone that matches what you need, and vice versa.
Top Comment:
this was refreshing to read, thank you for sharing your experience
When to start dating again? Wait till healthy lifestyle and body shape is attained?
Main Post: When to start dating again? Wait till healthy lifestyle and body shape is attained?
How Does The Beginning Stages Of Healthy Dating Look Like?
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I’m not experienced with healthy dating, started self development a year ago and I’m dipping into relationship development with a quiet Thinker.. he’s probably guarded and not sharing much, which is fine with me. It’s very~ new..
I’m just looking for clarity on how I can calm my anxiousness or how does dating look normally ? I want to learn to focus on myself more and stop this automatic over-attention response to someone I like.
- What happens when you start liking someone ? They start camping on my mind and I start considering my plans around them. It is automatic, subconscious and I’m aware once I start planning
- When or how do they start being included in your plans? For me, I’m trying to refocus on myself but I want to know the outcome of the relationship. Do we match? Do they like me? Will it work? So I’m very drawn to being with that person. There’s an anxiousness.
- Anything you’d like to share about dating ! I love stories, it’s the best way I learn
Please include if you’ve experienced healthy relationships (if not, your experience and what’s ideal for you). This is open to all types, so please include what’s yours or go to your sub and respond. I think itd be interesting to compare each type/useful for anyone interested in another type. Happy sharing~
*ISFJ 4w3 SP/SO 🤲🏻💌
Edit: another question which I think will bring reflection, awareness and personality development in terms of relationships for the responder to gauge themself + communicate.., and readers wanting to learn about a type—
Question#4 What do you find you’re needing in the beginning stages of dating ? I’m needing reassurance that they’re still interested in me. But this could be tied to my anxious attachment style vs type. Brings awareness that I need to find assurance in myself, a deeper fear of rejection and easing this part of me. Still, learning what a calmer relationship looks like can help me see some marker to working on this myself. Thanks.
Top Comment:
This is my advice. Please take it with a grain of salt.
Don't date.
Instead, hang out with the person. You're looking for friendship plus benefits. If both of you enjoy spending time together, it'll go easy. Don't formalize things.
A good date familiarizes both of you with each other. It is successful if both of you want to hang out again because you both enjoyed your time together.
A bad date is if zero or only one person had a good time. If this happens, remember that people are complex, like jigsaw puzzles. If you don’t fit together it doesn't mean there's something wrong with either of you.
So hang out, do stuff friends would do, and if benefits happen, take it in stride. The more at ease you are with sexuality, the more comfortable the other person will feel.
Don't jump from hanging out to being in a relationship. It'll happen naturally if its going to happen. If its your first relationship, tell the other person that you're new. They'll understand.
What is your advice for healthy dating and what rules and/or boundaries do you have that work for you?
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This might come over as quite weird, but this question is something I'm doing for my therapy essentially. I would have a convo about this topic with close people otherwise, but since they don't have the relevant experience, I'm turning to you, men of reddit!
I'm 30 and I'm currently trying to change my dating approach and stop being a "womanizer" of sorts (not really, but kinda...). I have a general ability to read people and make them open up quickly. So, in the past I've started every relationship waaay too quickly by immediately getting intimate (both emotionally and physically), but as you can imagine, that leads to plenty of not very well thought through relationships and emotional pain for all involved. When I say quickly, I mean within hours of meeting, so I mean really way too quickly.
So, dear fellow men, I need some advice, especially by those who have taken things slower and are in a satisfying relationship. How exactly do you take it slow? I mean, in my mind that approach doesn't even work or exist. In your experience, does getting to know a woman even work if you don't get her emotionally & sexually involved on the first date? What specifically are boundaries that worked for you? What are your rules for dating or what is your general approach? I am trying to get this whole concept of not jumping straight into intimacy into my head and I would really appreciate advice on how to take things slow and not (get) hurt. I know this might sound ridiculously stupid, but I guess we each have areas in which we might be quite stupid, so yeah, this is mine, sadly.
Anyway, thanks a lot!
Top Comment:
So, there's a running joke in Good Will Hunting where Matt Damon and Minnie Driver are going to go on a date and have dinner, and Matt Damon jokes that the activity is arbitrary and they should just get together and eat a bunch of caramels.
This is deceptively terrible advice and in my experience the wrong way to think about dating, at least past the point of it being about finding and experimenting with more casual sex partners, into the part of your life where you're looking for a longer term partner with more connection.
He's saying that what they do doesn't matter, what matters is whether they're interested in each other or not.
Except, you know, what you do together does matter. A lot. If you're actually in a relationship, you're going to spend a lot more time eating together than screwing. And besides, eating, listening to music, talking, going into town, these are all things that you probably do anyway and have found some way to enjoy over the years.
So the last couple of years I was dating, when I felt like I really started to figure it out, before meeting my current fiancee 5 years ago, I had one rule that I think made a lot of difference.
When I planned a date, especially a first date, I made it something I would like anyway, whether the date was a success or not. Like a restaurant I wanted to eat at, a show I wanted to see, a place I wanted to walk around, a coffee shop I actually liked and thought was good.
This ended up having extrinsic benefits - I was more relaxed, I was more fun to be around, it made it easier to tell whom I was or wasn't going to get along with much faster.
But really it's about taking the "stakes" out of the center a bit, and making it more about just living life. And if this is somebody who wants to live life with me, and I want to live life with them, then that's what relationships are built on.
Of course, when you have a long drought with sex that fucks with your priorities, but that's fine. You gotta give yourself permission to feel how you're going to feel.
But you know, in the actual process of dating, you're going to want different things at different times. And slowing down isn't about denying sexual impulses, it's about getting in touch with what you really want, and getting out of the frantic habits of desperation or of past success. Once you're in your 30s, if you have your shit together and are in reasonably cared for physical and mental health, you will find women who are willing to give you time and intimacy. That's not the challenge like it was when you were younger.
The challenge is to bring yourself to the table honestly so you're tuned in enough to what you actually want to do that you find a good partner in doing it. And key to that is recognizing the difference between stuff you like and stuff you don't like and owning that, so other people can see you, and you can see them in the context of you.
It's simple, but I think it's pretty profound.
Also when people ghost, let them ghost.
Oh, and try to date people you've known for a while as well as strangers. If you can get out of the trap of "date = boning attempt" thinking, or "date = pretend to never want to bone ever" thinking, which both disrespect both of you, it's actually really nice.
TL;DR -- Figure out stuff you want to do anyway and make that what you do on dates. If that question flummoxes you, you're not confused about dating, you're confused about living. So give yourself a break, be good to yourself and figure out your free time, whether it's while dating or not. Then invite someone along.
What great realizations have you had from dating someone healthy?
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Before my current boyfriend, I’ve only ever had one relationship that lasted 17 years and was emotionally abusive. He was manipulative, gaslighted me, and cheated on me. He was an alcoholic / addict and I lived in chaos. He was a sex addict who weaponized sex and held it over my head. He lied to me, blamed everything wrong in his life on me, said he “gave up everything” for me. He stole my childbearing years from me, lying about wanting kids for 17 years.
I did the therapy thing and it changed my life. Still doing it actually. My life is fabulous and I feel great. We undid the trauma and I learned how to pick good partners.
My new boyfriend is pretty great. He treats me with respect, kindness, compassion and love. Our relationship is defined by peace, mutual respect, and curiosity. I hope we end up together long term; we’re still in a phase where we’re feeling each other out, and that’s okay - I’m enjoying getting to know him and hoping for the best. Going with the flow. Loving the lack of chaos, the consistency, the dependability.
I was sitting here reflecting and something occurred to me. If we end up finding some incompatibility and break up, I will still love him. It would be a difficult but loving and understanding parting of ways. There’s no struggle, reading between the lines, or blame shifting. I don’t have to worry about him making shit up to meet my deal breakers to keep me around for his selfish purposes. It’s all very black and white.
I hope we stay together. But if we don’t, it will be because two adults who respect and care for one another came to an impasse. He will have been good for me, and I will never regret the time we spent together.
It’s incredibly refreshing to be in a relationship because we both want to make each other’s lives better, not because of trauma bonding, need, or codependency.
So what stories do y’all have to share of realizing the simple joys of dating someone good for you?
Top Comment: Instead of getting mad at me or telling me “it is what it is” when I have an issue, he actually wants to talk to me about and solve the issue together...He tells me it’s ok to be mad or it’s ok to be sad when he knows I’m upset...He knows I’m not used to being allowed to have an actual discussion about things that make me mad or sad and he gives me time to process my feelings without demanding answers or solutions...He never makes me feel bad for saying when something bothers me even if it’s due to something he did...I always feel better after we talk...
Early signs of a healthy relationship?
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What early signs or behaviors (aka green flags) did you witness in your partner, that were indicative of the healthy relationship you ended up having (or still have) with them?
Top Comment: She kept her promises (like if she said she'd call, she did) Great communication Trust She "matched my energy" (felt like we were both pursuing each other) She accepted my boundaries Enthusiasm (never had to wonder if she was interested in me) and There was no rush. We didn't have sex or put a label on it right away, we waited until it felt right. It's never felt better
Is this healthy dating?
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I try not to seek guidance from outside sources on dating too often but I figured I may get some good feedback. So here we go!
A little background, in the past few months especially I have learned that the "instant spark/chemistry" is always bad news! I don't mean like I have a first date and the person is cool and I'd like to see them again. I'm talking about the "omg this person could be my soulmate" feeling. So, I've come to really appreciate the "slow burn." I want the slow burn. I have also learned I want someone who has their own friends, hobbies, schedule, etc. With that said, I'm also coming out of a very short, but toxic, relationship where it was the immediate chemistry and the person was up my butt all the time. They wanted to see me every single day, did not have their own life, I was their life. It was comforting to my anxiety because there was no questioning "do they like me?" but it was unhealthy. I don't want that again.
So now, I (32F) have been seeing this guy (29M) for about a month. In that time, we've had about 4 dates. He's the exact opposite of the guy I was in the toxic relationship with and I really appreciate that about him. He introduced me to some of his friends on the third date, fourth date he met some of mine. He suggested doing some things together that required committing a month out and me being afraid to make too much in the future plans (trauma from the last guy!), brushed if off with kind of a "we'll see!".
Then there was about 2 week gap between us hanging out. I hear from him everyday, he checks in and asks about my day. All that good stuff. We have a good connection, similar sense of humor. He has expressed a good interest, etc. But during that 2 week time span I expressed I wished I could see him and bummed our schedules didn't align. I meant it as a way to show I do like him and enjoy spending time with him, but I think he took it as more as a "I'm disappointed and I need more time with you" because, I kind of sensed a slowing down of things, or a pulling back. I decided to ask him if everything was cool and this came up. He also mentioned he worried that I want/need more of his time than he's able/willing to give during the dating phase.
I can see how he may feel this way. Like I was rushing things. But that wasn't my intention. I also do think maybe in my head I started idealizing this too much because it feels like more freedom than I had in my last relationship BUT also it's less, but a healthier amount, of attention which also feels slightly foreign. Which may have subconsciously created an urgency on my part which could have shown through my actions.
So, I just reiterated that I can see his perspective and how some things I've said/done could have come off that way and it wasn't my intention. At first I said I didn't want to spend time with someone who didn't ultimately want something serious, which he said he isn't sure if he's ready for (partially due to his lack of dating the last few months, even though he's been single for a little over a year) but would like some time to figure that out. But, then I told myself that it is OK to take this slow and go with it and I can say "not for me" at anytime. So I told him I'd like to continue hanging out and see where things go and I plan on just investing more time in myself, my friends, and meeting other men as well. We did have sex after a few dates but I think I may want to just reign that in for a while, until we can discuss exclusivity (even if just sexual exclusivity) so I don't get more attached.
I am not sure if I have a specific question but I would love to hear feedback from some others on how I handled/am handling this.
I should also add when faced with a similar situation about a year ago, I ended up wishing the guy well and saying that I hope I am still around when he knows what he is looking for in terms of a relationship and we ended on good terms. But I always regretted not taking a step back and slowing myself down. Which is why I'm trying a different approach this time.
TLDR: After of a toxic relationship where my ex was always wanting to be with me and did not have a life or friends, now dating a guy who does have his own life and friends. May have accidentally made him feel like I was demanding more of his time when I meant to show him I enjoy spending time with him. He isn't sure if he's ready for a relationship but wants more time. I first said I may want to end things if we aren't on the same page, but then said I was comfortable continuing to hang out and see where things go. Just looking for feedback on how I handled/am handling the situation.
Top Comment:
You may have unwittingly gone from an anxious partner to an avoidant partner (attachment styles). Can’t tell for sure, but taking you saying that you’re bummed your schedules don’t align as neediness, pulling back, not being sure about relationship, situationship (hanging out without being on the same page about progressing), etc.
Might wanna look into avoidants more to know what to look out for. But if you’re starting to feel like it’s a bad thing for wanting closeness, and having to suppress or compromise wanting more emotional intimacy, that might be a sign it’s not the best for you.
Natural slow burn building up into a roaring fire then some hot coals is good. Forced slow burn that just kinda keeps cooling the flames from turning into a nice toasty fire is not.
What does a healthy relationship look like? How does it feel? What behaviours does it include?
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Edit: Thanks so much for the comments, everyone. There is a wealth of information below, and I’ll be reading through it several more times. It’s so nice to hear the positive side of things, and what to be looking for and aspire to in a relationship, rather than just things to avoid and watch out for.
Thanks for educating me and others on the subject.
Top Comment: You bring out the best in each other and don't argue over trivial matters. You stay in contact but aren't constantly bugging one another for fear of disloyalty or dishonesty. It feels...calm? It's just nice to know they love you without them even having to say it.